Night Train

Raindrops were making a kind of art on the outside of the window. The cold was began to attack and the city began to fall asleep. The cold was carved on the pale faces of passengers; the cold that will accompany us home.

I held my crumpled ticket tightly while watching you pulling off your wet shoes. “This night is the craziest night i ever had”, you said cheerfully. I nodded my head twice.

I knew what you mean. We almost missed the train by the bad weather. We struggled so hard to arrive in the train station on time.  We walked so far in heavy rain under your tiny umbrella and that’s how we got our whole body soaked with that evening rain. Fortunately we reached there in last minutes.

In a while, that last train departed. The horn was blowing loud as the final call for all passengers to come in. Our wagon shook several times before the train wheels finally hit the ground and left the station. I can hear the machines growling in a steady harmony fighting back the drumming sound of rain.

Inside the train, I changed my position uncomfortably and pulled my jacket closer to my body while my mind was running wildly. “This is the night,” said the little voice inside my brain. “You’ve decided that you wanted to ask him tonight. This is the moment of truth. You have waited so long. Too long.”

I bit my lower lip.

That’s true. My confession that time was not replied; it got hanged up in the air.  I could not live with this uncertainty any longer. I need the honest answer and I know I need it now.

When I turned to you, you were already wrapped inside your blanket. Nice and warm. When you realized that I was starring at you, you smiled at me. “Why don’t you pull your blanket too?” you said.

After that, you started to tell me your stories. Everything that I never heard before; about your friends, about your family, about our university, about our club, and other random things. You talked like you don’t give a chance for yourself to catch a breath. I am used to hear your stories all this time. It is nice to know your life directly from you. But it was different that time, my tongue was immobilized and I swallowed all my sentences which were ready to slip out before.

My eyes were pinned to yours that time. I watched your lips moving but I couldn’t catch a word. I want to hear your stories like usual. I want to hear more. I want to be the one who understand you best. But your words deafen my ears and shutting my lips.

I gave you several smiles and nods to ensure you that i was listening passionately but my brain kept screaming the things I used to say inside my head. And it was louder than your voice.

“This message from me… could you let it delivered?”

You kept talking.

“At least for this time. Listen to me,”

You did not stop talking.

“These very final words from me,”

You stop talking that time.

But after that you said, “I am very tired. I need to sleep now. Good night”. Then you turned your head facing the windows and left me puzzled.

There I was slapped by the reality. I realized something about us.

My feeling will never reach you no matter how long I have waited for you. All those times you were living in your own world and I have never been there. My confession will never move your heart closer to mine but rather drag you away from me. All those times you were standing for yourself and you never had your heart fallen for me. You never replied my feeling not because you were not ready but because you did not need me. All those days when I was wondering whether you lived well or not; I knew deep inside that nothing could ever harm you. The one who actually broke and damaged was me.

I watched your messy hair and your sleeping face. Then suddenly I couldn’t hold my tears any longer, so I buried my face inside my blanket and cried.

Let this Night Train be the witness. About the words untold and the feeling which have been left behind.

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