December, 10 2015

My whole life is full of liars, I think I am not being myself. I think about people way too much. I hate ego, I hate hatred, too much, that I hate debate, I hate conflict, I am losing myself to a delusion of peace.

You came in the most twisted way. You came with a strange hello. I think I forced a laugh or two to your jokes back then. We are weird in so many ways.

I hate you. I hate your ego. I hate it when you are being selfish, which is happened almost everyday. That was your natural being: a stone-headed butt-hurt.

You complain about almost anything, you hate almost anything, even yourself. Which is weird, because I hate myself too.

But it was not you, when you covered me with a blanket on one cold night. It was not you, when you said that i am soooo good when nobody ever did before. It was not you, when you encouraged me even when I did lose hope for myself. Was it?

Truth be told, I love the other side of you. You were like green gooey wasabi which got me sicked and comforted in the most stupid way possible.

But you were the war itself, you were a manifestation of  thunder storm, of a movie without climax, of sunburn, of  diarrhea, of an annoying missing piece of puzzle. And sometimes I just cannot handle you. I just want to stay away away away from you. But then you know, I will be missing you. That’s stupid, I know.

But I should thank you for lot of things (which maybe you think they’re just some specks of dust under your bed). Even littlest things that you do for me, has a gigantic effect on me.

How come? Use your logic, you idiotic moron!

You, the most selfish and ignorant human alive, could use your heart to comfort others, help others, care about others. I am so so so so moved by this.

For me, you are precious, you don’t have to tell others about you actually care about others. You do that. You show that. Through your act, without abc to z. You just do. Even when you were not noticing. But I notice. And I know it. And I know you do nice things to me more than those self-proclaimed religious people ever did.

You said you hate people, didn’t you? But I know you don’t. You love people, especially the ones who are dear to you. People may say you are a selfish bastard, but I believe you aren’t. They just don’t know about you.


Your Saukerl.


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