For lot of people, talking is something easy. We talk everyday, to family, friends, even strangers. But some of us, without being known by the others…are tired and afraid of talking. Some of us use lot of energy just to think about what should be said next. I am one of them, sometimes.
I can be really chatty, I can laugh freely, and I can talk about almost everything without even giving a break. Note: only to certain people whom I feel comfortable with.
I was raised as a child which is coming from a very humble family. My parents got 5 children and each mouth needs food, so we are sharing the limited amount of money that my father could get every single day. I was raised to be ashamed of myself. I was raised to tell my self that I wouldn’t do so much in life, even when I thought I would.
Back when I was a kid, I would hide if there was a guest visiting my house. I would be afraid of talking to someone whom I just met. I would not feel comfortable in a room full of strangers. I was so quiet.
At home, I used to be the one who always save all feelings just for me, kept it away and locked from others. I’d not protest even when people did something wrong to me. I was afraid to tell my family even when I was unhappy. I hate arguments, I hate high-toned conversations, I hate screaming, I hate loud voices. I avoid all fights with my siblings as much as I could.
Not that I really was a loner (even though I was okay if someone else thought that way about me), I have many many friends. At school, I was sociable. I can talk freely to all people, including my headmaster and teachers. I got lot of friends. My childhood neighbors were also my friends, we often played on the field together.
But when I was alone, I feel so safe. I feel that I could figure out my life. I could do nothing and just look up at my ceiling for a long time. My body was there, but my mind was wondering around the galaxy. I gained energy every time I was alone. With nobody around to talk to, I talked to myself. I had conversations in my mind, questioning and then answering my own questions. When I was a kid, the people around me are kind of okay every time my habit to be “alone” is coming.
Now, when I was no longer a kid, I found that it’s very hard for me to be a quiet person in this noisy world. Everyone had something to talk about. They wanted attention, they wouldn’t hesitate to scream at you to get it. Everyone with their own needs, everyone with their different perspectives.
Quiet people, legged behind. The soft-spoken people would not be counted. Leaders are born from those with loudest roars. I hate that, but it was the reality. As I was stressed out with this cruel fact, my social disease is getting worse.
I pull myself out from the crowd, I was taking “me-time” longer than usual. I was not confident passing by a group of people, and always think that people were laughing at me, even though they’re not. I always think that people would not understand what was I talking about, or maybe they would not laugh at my jokes. Sometimes, even when I feel to say something, even when I know the answer to a question, I stay quiet. I worry about almost everything when I hang around people, especially those who’re not very close to me. I often am judging myself, I often make assumption that a lot of people don’t like me. So as I draw myself from the crowd, I am being the real weirdos to them.
Even when I wrote posts on my blog, I was being furious about whether people would accept my writings or not, whether they would understand the idea or not. But you know, I can do writing in silence, I don’t have to be face to face with my readers, I don’t have to hear their judgement, thus I don’t have to worry too much about myself. It’s better and safer for me to write than talk to express everything. But this world won’t accept someone who’s not mute but talk with writing boards.
That’s why it’s not easy for me – a quiet person to trust people, to settle down, to be surrounded by strangers: and I think the world should understand about it, and accept the fact. I hope someday the world doesn’t have to force quiet people to be social butterflies only to gain success in life. I hope someday the world would be kinder to a person like me.